Why do I feel like this?
Spoiler alert: It’s not a personal failing.
The fact that you are reading this blog is a testament to your parenting.
Our relationship with ourselves is central to our mental health. Parenting can be a particular trigger to feelings of self-criticism, and self-criticism can lead to anxiety and low mood. Many parents know that they would like to be kinder to themselves, but it can sometimes feel like a reach.
Self-compassion is the antidote to self-criticism, and can improve your own wellbeing, and your relationship with your baby. The Compassionate Ladder is a metaphor that helps us develop self-compassion in a graded way. This can be particularly helpful for new parents.
Here’s a step-by-step guide to progressing through the stages over time. Sometimes, when we under particular stress, we might also need to step back down the ladder to earlier steps and rebuild from there. I hope this provides some clarity and direction:
Step 1: Recognition
Acknowledge the presence of self-critical thoughts and understand their impact.
Awareness: Notice when you are being self-critical. For example, you might think, "I’m a terrible mother because I’m feeling overwhelmed."
Journaling: Write down these thoughts to identify patterns. This can help you see how often and in what contexts you are self-critical.
Reflection: Reflect on how these thoughts make you feel and behave. Understand that recognizing them is the first step towards change.
Step 2: Understanding
Gain insight into why these self-critical thoughts exist, often rooted in past experiences or societal expectations.
Exploration: Consider where these thoughts come from. Are they influenced by societal pressures to be a perfect mother, past experiences, or unrealistic expectations?
Contextualization: Understand that these thoughts are a natural response to stress and pressure. For instance, "I feel like I’m not doing enough because I’ve been conditioned to believe that good mothers should always be perfect."
Step 3: Acceptance
Accept these thoughts without judgment, recognising they are part of the human experience.
Non-Judgment: When you notice self-critical thoughts, practice accepting them without judgment. Say to yourself, "It’s okay to have these thoughts. They are part of my human experience."
Mindfulness: Use mindfulness techniques to observe these thoughts without believing or reacting to them. Let them pass like clouds in the sky.
Step 4: Kindness
Actively practice self-kindness, replacing self-critical thoughts with supportive and nurturing ones.
Self-Talk: Replace negative self-talk with compassionate statements. For instance, instead of "I’m failing," say, "I’m doing my best under difficult circumstances."
Compassionate Acts: Engage in acts of self-kindness. Take breaks when needed, rest, and do activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
Step 5: Integration
Incorporate self-compassion into daily life, making it a habitual response.
Routine: Make self-compassion a part of your daily routine. This could involve regular mindfulness practice, journaling, or setting aside time each day for self-care.
Compassionate Imagery: Use compassionate imagery exercises regularly. Visualize a compassionate figure offering you support and kindness.
Positive Reinforcement: Reinforce compassionate behavior by acknowledging and rewarding yourself for practicing self-kindness. This could be as simple as acknowledging, "I took a break today and allowed myself to rest, which is a compassionate act."
Practical Example of Applying the Compassionate Ladder
A new mother, Sarah (pseudonym), is experiencing feelings of inadequacy and guilt because she’s struggling to balance baby care with household chores.
Step 1: Recognition
Sarah recognizes that she often thinks, "I’m a bad mother because I can’t keep up with everything."
Step 2: Understanding
She explores these thoughts and realizes they stem from societal pressures and her perfectionistic tendencies.
Step 3: Acceptance
Sarah practices accepting these thoughts without judgment. She acknowledges that it’s normal to feel overwhelmed and that these thoughts don’t define her.
Step 4: Kindness
She replaces her negative self-talk with, "I’m doing the best I can, and it’s okay to ask for help." She allows herself to rest when the baby naps instead of rushing to do chores.
Step 5: Integration
Sarah incorporates self-compassion into her daily routine by practicing mindful breathing exercises each morning and reflecting on positive affirmations. She also joins a support group for new mothers where she shares her experiences and receives encouragement.
In summary…
Applying the Compassionate Ladder to post-natal mental health involves a gradual process of recognising and understanding self-critical thoughts, accepting them without judgment, practicing self-kindness, and integrating these practices into daily life. By climbing this ladder, parents can build a more compassionate relationship with themselves, and improve their overall wellbeing.
I hope the above give some clarity and direction. There are many factors that influence our relationship with ourselves and how easy it is to practice self-compassion. If you would like more support, then we would be pleased to help. Click here to book an initial consultation.
