Why does my toddler…?
Toddlers test our patience. Fact!
Understanding the reasons and developmental bases behind these behaviours can help us to respond calmly and constructively, and take things less personally. Here are some common frustrating behaviours, explanations based on psychological theory, and tips for coping.
1. Tantrums (Intense Crying, Screaming, and Physical Outbursts)
Why They Do It:
Developmental stage: Around 1-3 years, children are striving for independence (see Erikson’s stage of ‘autonomy vs. shame and doubt’). When they face limitations or frustrations, they may have tantrums.
Emotional Regulation: Young children have underdeveloped emotional regulation skills and often can't express their feelings verbally.
Advanced Tips for Parents:
Stay Calm: Take deep breaths and remain composed. Your calmness can help soothe your child.
Acknowledge Feelings: Validate their emotions by saying, "I see you're very upset."
Create a Safe Space: Ensure your child is in a safe environment where they can't hurt themselves or others.
Teach Coping Strategies: Once they're calm, teach them simple techniques like deep breathing or counting to ten.
2. Refusing to Share (e.g. Sharing Toys with Peers)
Why They Do It:
Piaget's Preoperational Stage: Children aged 2-7 years are egocentric, meaning they have difficulty understanding others' perspectives.
Ownership: Young children are just starting to understand the concept of possession and ownership.
Advanced Tips for Parents:
Model Sharing: Demonstrate sharing in your interactions with others.
Use Social Stories: Read books or tell stories about sharing and discuss them with your child.
Practice Turn-Taking: Play games that involve taking turns to help them understand and practice sharing.
Praise Positive Behavior: Acknowledge and praise your child when they share or take turns.
3. Throwing Food
Why They Do It:
Exploration: Young children use all their senses to explore their environment, including taste, touch, and sight.
Attention: Throwing food can be a way to explore the responses of others.
Advanced Tips for Parents:
Stay Calm: Reacting with frustration can reinforce the behaviour. Stay calm and neutral.
Set Clear Boundaries: Explain that food is for eating, not throwing. Use simple, clear language.
Offer Alternatives: Provide other ways to explore, such as sensory play with safe, non-food items.
Positive Reinforcement: Praise and encourage when they eat properly without throwing food.
4. Ignoring Instructions
Why They Do It:
Attention Span: Young children have short attention spans and may get easily distracted.
Testing Limits: Children test boundaries to understand rules and their environment.
Advanced Tips for Parents:
Gain Attention First: Get down to their eye level, gently touch their shoulder, and make sure they are focused on you before giving instructions. NB: If a child is particularly averse to eye-contact, please do not force it. This may be a sign of other difficulties.
Be Clear and Concise: Use simple and direct language. Break down complex instructions into smaller steps.
Give Choices: Offer limited choices to give them a sense of control, e.g., "Do you want to put away your toys or books first?"
Consistent Routine: Establish a consistent daily routine to help them understand and anticipate instructions.
5. Clinging and Separation Anxiety
Why They Do It:
Attachment Theory (Bowlby): Around 8-24 months, children form strong attachments to their primary caregivers and may experience anxiety when separated.
Stranger Anxiety: Fear of unfamiliar people is a normal part of development.
Advanced Tips for Parents:
Practice Gradual Separation: Start with short separations and gradually increase the time apart.
Create Goodbye Rituals: Develop a consistent and reassuring goodbye routine.
Stay Positive: Stay positive and calm during separations to reassure your child.
Comfort Object: Provide a comfort object, like a favorite toy or blanket, to help them feel secure.
6. Throwing Toys or Objects
Why They Do It:
Exploration: Throwing is a way for children to explore their environment and understand cause and effect.
Attention Seeking: It can also be a way to explore the reactions of parents and others.
Advanced Tips for Parents:
Provide Safe Outlets: Offer appropriate objects for throwing, like soft balls, and designate a safe area for this activity.
Redirect: Calmly redirect the behavior by showing them what is acceptable to throw and what is not.
Explain Consequences: Help them understand the consequences of their actions in simple terms, like "Throwing toys can break them."
Positive Reinforcement: Praise them when they play appropriately.
7. Biting (e.g. During Play or when Frustrated)
Why They Do It:
Teething: Biting can be a way to relieve teething discomfort.
Communication: It can also be a form of communication when they lack verbal skills.
Advanced Tips for Parents:
Address Teething Pain: Provide cool teething toys to soothe teething discomfort.
Teach Gentle Touch: Model and teach gentle ways to express themselves, like using words or gentle touch.
Immediate Response: Calmly but firmly say, "No biting. Biting hurts," and remove them from the situation if necessary.
Praise Positive Interactions: Reinforce gentle behavior and praise them when they express themselves appropriately.
8. Not Sleeping Through the Night
Why They Do It:
Developmental Milestones: Achieving new milestones can disrupt sleep patterns.
Separation Anxiety: Fear of being away from parents can cause night wakings.
Advanced Tips for Parents:
Consistent Bedtime Routine: Establish a calming and consistent bedtime routine to signal sleep time.
Comfort and Reassure: Provide comfort and reassurance, but avoid making nighttime wake-ups too stimulating.
Teach Self-Soothing: Encourage self-soothing techniques, such as using a pacifier or a comfort object.
Avoid Stimulation: Keep the environment calm and dark during nighttime wake-ups to help them go back to sleep.
9. Throwing Tantrums in Public
Why They Do It:
Overstimulation: Busy environments can be overwhelming for young children whose senses are still developing. Sensory processing plays a central role in children being able to regulate their emotions.
Attention and Limits: Public tantrums can be a way to explore the responses of others.
Advanced Tips for Parents:
Prepare Ahead: Before going out, explain where you’re going and what you’ll be doing.
Bring Distractions: Carry small toys or snacks to keep your child occupied and distracted.
Stay Calm and Consistent: Maintain your calm and follow through with any pre-set consequences if necessary.
Quick Exit Strategy: If a tantrum escalates, have a plan for a quick exit to a quieter place to help them calm down.
10. Resistance to Transitions (Like Moving from Playtime to Mealtime)
Why They Do It:
Need for Predictability: Children feel more secure with routine and predictability.
Difficulty with Change: Due to children’s developing regulatory abilities, they often struggle to deal with the feelings and losses that change brings. Sudden changes can be especially overwhelming.
Advanced Tips for Parents:
Give Warnings: Give your child advance notice before transitions, such as, "In five minutes, it’s time to eat."
Use Visual Timers: Visual timers can help children understand the passage of time and prepare for transitions.
Create Transition Rituals: Establish small rituals for transitions, like a special song or a fun game.
Positive Reinforcement: Praise and reward your child for handling transitions smoothly.
We hope these these tips are helpful. As always, there are so many factors that can impact a child’s behaviour. If you would like more help, please get in touch.
