Managing Differences in Parenting: 8-Week Self-Help Guide
Team up for the tot with our 8-week plan.
No two people are the same. For some reason, rarely is that more true than in the world of parenting. Parental difference can be an absolute gift - The opportunity for children to learn world-views and strengths that are perhaps wide-ranging. When both parties are committed and communication is strong… *Chef’s kiss*.
When difference equates inconsistencies in parenting though, one unintended consequence can be confusion for both parents and children. Addressing these inconsistencies can take time and energy on both sides. This 8-week self-help plan offers a structured approach for new parent couples, combining strategies from family therapies and parenting interventions to enhance parent-parent and parent-child relationships.
As always, it is hard to prescribe a generic plan for families that will have experiences so beautifully wide-ranging*, but I hope you will find something useful here.
Week 1-2: Understanding and Exploring Family Scripts
Family scripts are the patterns of behaviour and beliefs about parenting inherited from one’s family of origin. These scripts can shape current parenting practices.
Explore personal family scripts and their influence on parenting.
Understand how these scripts interact and contribute to inconsistencies.
Activities:
Explore your Family Scripts:
Reflect on Personal Scripts: Each parent can reflect on their upbringing and key parenting beliefs. Consider questions like, “What were the parenting norms in my family?” and “How do these norms shape my current parenting style?”
Create a detailed map of your family scripts (you could map this onto a family tree type drawing if this works for you), including key beliefs and practices from your upbringing. Share these maps with your partner to visualise how each person’s background influences your current parenting.
Identify areas where your family scripts are similar, and areas where they clash or interact. For instance, if one partner values strict discipline while the other prefers a more lenient approach, this can create inconsistency.
Assess the Impact:
Reflect on how these inconsistencies might affect your child’s behaviour and emotional well-being. Note any signs of confusion or distress that may be linked to differing parenting approaches.
Share your observations with your partner. Use a non-judgmental tone and focus on how the interaction of your scripts affects your parenting effectiveness.
Reflection:
Discuss and agree on key areas to address in the coming weeks. This might include aligning on specific parenting practices or strategies to resolve conflicting scripts.
Week 3-4: Enhancing Communication through Non-Violent Communication (NVC)
Non-Violent Communication emphasises empathetic listening and clear expression of feelings and needs. The four components are observation (I notice…), feeling (I feel…), need (I need…), and request (would you please…).
Develop effective communication skills.
Resolve conflicts and align on parenting strategies.
Activities:
Practice NVC:
Learn to use NVC techniques in general conversations. Practice observing without judgment, expressing your feelings and needs clearly, and making specific requests.
Use NVC to discuss differences in parenting approaches. For example, instead of saying, “You’re too soft with the kids,” try, “I feel anxious when the children don’t have a set bedtime routine. I need us to agree on a consistent plan.”
Apply NVC to manage conflicts. Focus on understanding each other’s perspectives and finding solutions. For example, if disagreements arise over discipline, use NVC to discuss each person’s feelings and needs.
Develop a Unified Parenting Plan:
Develop a detailed plan that reflects agreed-upon strategies for parenting. Include guidelines for discipline, routines, and communication. Ensure that both parents are committed to following the plan.
Schedule regular check-ins to review the plan and make adjustments as needed. Use NVC to discuss any challenges and ensure ongoing alignment.
Reflection:
Reflect on how using NVC has impacted your communication and alignment in parenting. Adjust your strategies based on feedback and observations.
Week 5-6: Implementing Circle of Security Parenting Principles
Circle of Security Parenting emphasises providing a secure base to support children’s exploration and a safe haven for comfort when they need support - for more information on the principles, check out the video on my resources page.
Strengthen the parent-child relationship using Circle of Security principles.
Create a supportive and consistent environment for your child.
Activities:
Assess Current Practices:
Reflect on how your current parenting practices align with these principles. Consider whether you’re providing a secure base and responding effectively to your child’s needs.
Ensure that your child feels safe and supported as they explore their environment. Offer encouragement and reassurance when they return to you for comfort.
Use empathetic language and physical affection to address your child’s emotional needs. For example, acknowledge their feelings and offer comfort during distressing moments.
Create and maintain consistent daily routines, such as mealtimes, naps, and bedtime. Consistent routines help children feel secure and understand what to expect.
Involve your child in daily activities in an age appropriate way to help them feel included and adapt more easily to changes. For example, let them choose a bedtime story or help with setting the table.
Reflection:
Reflect on how implementing these principles has affected your child’s behavior and emotional well-being. Make adjustments based on your observations and feedback.
Week 7-8: Integrating Strategies and Addressing Conflicts
Integrate insights from family scripts, NVC, and parenting strategies. Address any remaining conflicts and strengthen the parenting partnership.
Combine strategies for a cohesive parenting approach.
Resolve any lingering conflicts and enhance collaboration.
Activities:
Integrate Insights:
Have a discussion about what has worked well and any challenges you’ve faced. Offer support and encouragement to each other. Celebrate successes and address any areas of concern.
Create a comprehensive parenting plan that reflects the integrated approach. Ensure it addresses discipline, routines, and emotional support.
Address Conflicts:
Discuss any remaining conflicts or disagreements. Use NVC to address these conflicts constructively, focusing on understanding each other’s perspectives and finding mutually acceptable solutions.
Develop and implement strategies for resolving conflicts. Include steps for discussing issues, finding solutions, and seeking support if needed.
Strengthen the Parenting Partnership:
Revisit your shared parenting goals and values. Ensure that both parents are aligned in their approach and committed to working together.
Ensure both parents practice self-care to manage stress and maintain a healthy relationship. Support each other in balancing parenting responsibilities and personal well-being
Schedule regular check-ins to review and adjust the parenting plan as needed. Use these check-ins to address any new challenges and ensure continued alignment.
Reflection:
Reflect on how well you are integrating the different approaches and resolving conflicts. Make necessary adjustments to ensure a cohesive and consistent parenting strategy.
Coming together in parenting can be a gift and a challenge. Our aim here is to not prescribe one way of being, but rather to help you bring together the most beautiful parts of yourselves, into one unique and cohesive whole.
I hope the above hope the above has given some ideas. However, talking about difference and intergenerational patterns can often tap into feelings at some deep levels. If you would like more support to navigate this work, please do reach out for a free introductory call.
*Please note: Parental conflict is very different from domestic abuse. No-one should ever make you feel threatened or unsafe; if this is the case, please call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for free and confidential advice, 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.
