Three Emotion Systems, One Tender Season
How our emotional systems work in the early days of parenting
Becoming a parent can stir up huge emotions—love, worry, exhaustion, joy, self-doubt—all in the same hour. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or hard on yourself, you're not alone. Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) can help make sense of what’s going on inside, especially during the perinatal period (pregnancy, birth, and the early months and years with baby).
CFT talks about three systems we all have that shape how we feel: threat, drive, and soothe. Each one features unique biomarkers, and link to particular emotions and behaviours. Research suggests that we tend to do best in both our physical and mental health when these three systems are in balance.
1. The Threat System: Always on Guard
This part of us is always on the lookout for danger. It’s what kept our ancestors alive and helps us spot when something’s wrong. But it also reacts to emotional threats—like feeling judged, not good enough, or worrying we’re messing up as parents.
If we’ve had tough experiences in the past (like being criticised a lot, feeling unsafe, or not getting the support we needed) our threat system might be more sensitised. Add in sleep deprivation, tricky births, or pressure to “enjoy every moment,” and it can feel like our brain is stuck on high alert.
Many parents find their inner voice turns harsh. “Why can’t I cope?” “Other parents are doing better.” This kind of self-criticism keeps the threat system firing, which can lead to anxiety, shame, or shutdown.
2. The Drive System: Survival through Striving
Our drive system helps us to get things done. It’s the part of us that prepares for baby, reads all the books, and powers through even when we’re running on empty. For lots of people, especially if love or safety felt like something that had to be earned growing up, the drive system becomes a way to cope and feel in control.
This isn’t bad.. Drive can be amazing. But if it’s always running alongside a busy threat system, it can become exhausting. We might feel like we have to be the perfect parent, or keep busy to avoid feelings of failure or fear. It can become a loop: push harder, crash, feel awful, then push again.
3. The Soothing System: The Missing Piece
This system helps us feel safe, calm, and connected - not because we’ve achieved something, but just because we’re human and we matter. It’s about rest, warmth, comfort, and self-kindness.
For many of us, especially if we have at times not felt safe or soothed in the past, this system can be smaller than the others. But the good news is: we can grow it. Moments of self-kindness (for more, see my blog on the ladder of self-compassion), connection with others, and therapy can help.
Why this matters
When we start to understand how these systems work, we can begin to be kinder to ourselves. Parenting is full-on. We don’t need to be perfect. Building our soothing system isn’t lazy or selfish—it’s what helps us show up for ourselves and for baby with warmth and care.
And so, the question so often on my mind…
How are your systems looking? If we were to draw your own three circles (like the ones above), what sizes would they each be? What might you need to rebalance them?
It’s OK to rest. To cry. To ask for help. To not know. We’re not broken. We’re human. And compassion can be the thread that helps us to find our way through.
