Managing Toddler Aggression: 8-Week Self-Help Guide

Calm the chaos with our 8-week plan.

If you’re reading this, you will know how challenging it can be to manage toddler aggression. Behaviours such as biting, hitting, and kicking (to mention just a few!) are very much age appropriate for toddlers. However, sometimes these can feel out of hand and interfere with family life and socialising. Again, if you’re reading this, I assume you might relate. Good on you for finding the head-space to seek resolution!

There are a few strategies I tend to use when working with families with these difficulties, and I hope to give a taster here. It can be hard to prescribe a generic plan, given that each family is so different. When working individually with families, I would always consider whether there are unmet basic needs (sleep, exercise, medical factors etc.), neurodivergence, cultural differences, and factors such as parental mental health and social support which I am unable to explore in this article. So, this is by no means a ‘one size fits all’ approach, however I hope you will find something useful amongst the following.

This 8-week plan is based on psychological theory and positive parenting interventions (you might like to see my blog). It starts with the essential foundations in relationship-building, coaching, and praise (use liberally) and gradually incorporates techniques to implement consistent boundaries and responses to incidents of aggression (use sparingly).

I tend to find that once the first few steps are really attended to, the need for the latter is quite rare. I’m not going to pretend this isn’t a huge investment of time in what is likely already quite a squeezed schedule, but the investment tends to pay off tenfold.

Week 1-2: Building a Positive Relationship

Focus: Strengthening the parent-child bond through play and positive attention.

• Spend quality, undivided time with your child.

• Engage in child-led play activities.

• Practice positive reinforcement and praise.

Activities:

1. Daily Special Time: Dedicate 10-15 minutes each day to one-on-one time with your toddler. Let them choose the activity and follow their lead. This could be playing with toys, reading a book, or drawing. Ensure this time is free from distractions (no phones, TV, or other interruptions).

2. Positive Attention: Throughout the day, give your toddler positive attention for good behavior. Catch them being good and acknowledge it with praise. For example, “I love how you’re playing so nicely with your toys!”

3. Descriptive Praise: Use specific and descriptive praise to reinforce positive behaviors. Instead of just saying “good job,” say, “I’m so proud of you for sharing your toy with your friend. That was very kind!”

Reflection:

• Keep a journal of daily interactions, noting positive moments and behaviors.

• Reflect on how your toddler responds to increased positive attention.

Week 3-4: Encouraging Social and Emotional Skills

Teaching social skills and emotional regulation.

• Help your toddler identify and express their emotions.

• Encourage sharing, taking turns, and cooperative play.

• Model and teach problem-solving skills.

Activities:

1. Emotion Coaching: Use everyday situations to help your toddler identify their emotions. For example, “I see you’re feeling angry because your tower fell down. It’s okay to feel upset.” Validate their feelings and offer comfort.

2. Emotion Cards: Create or purchase emotion cards with faces showing different emotions (happy, sad, angry, scared). Use these cards to play games and discuss different feelings. Ask your child to identify the emotion and talk about times they’ve felt that way.

3. Role-Playing: Use role-playing to teach social skills. Act out scenarios where sharing and taking turns are necessary. Praise your toddler when they practice these skills during playtime.

4. Problem-Solving Steps: Teach simple problem-solving steps. When a conflict arises, guide your child through the steps: Identify the problem, think of solutions, choose a solution, and try it out. For example, if two children want the same toy, suggest taking turns or finding another toy to play with.

Reflection:

• Note any changes in your toddler’s ability to express emotions and resolve conflicts.

• Reflect on the effectiveness of emotion coaching and role-playing activities.

Week 5-6: Using Effective Praise and Rewards

Reinforcing positive behaviors through praise and rewards.

• Increase the frequency of positive behaviors.

• Use a reward system to motivate and reinforce positive coping.

Activities:

1. Praise for Specific Behaviors: Continue to use descriptive praise for specific positive behaviors. For example, “Thank you for using your words to ask for help instead of getting upset.”

2. Sticker Chart: Introduce a sticker chart to track and reward positive behaviors. Choose 2-3 behaviors to focus on, such as sharing, using kind words, or following instructions. Each time your child exhibits one of these behaviors, let them add a sticker to the chart. Once they earn a certain number of stickers, reward them with a small treat or special activity.

3. Celebrate Successes: Celebrate small successes and milestones. When your child achieves a goal, have a mini-celebration. This could be a special outing, a favorite snack, or extra playtime with a favorite toy.

4. Token Economy: For older toddlers, consider implementing a token economy system. Provide tokens for positive behaviors, which can be exchanged for rewards. This teaches delayed gratification and helps reinforce positive behavior patterns.

Reflection:

• Track your toddler’s progress with the sticker chart or token economy.

• Observe how praise and rewards influence their behavior and motivation.

Week 7: Establishing Clear and Consistent Boundaries

Setting and enforcing clear boundaries and expectations.

• Establish and communicate clear rules and expectations.

• Use consistent consequences for aggressive behavior.

Activities:

1. Rule Setting: Create a few simple, clear rules for behavior. Use positive language to state what you want your child to do, rather than what they shouldn’t do. For example, “Use gentle hands” instead of “Don’t hit.”

2. Visual Reminders: Create visual reminders of the rules. Use pictures and words to make a rule chart. Place it where your child can see it, such as on the refrigerator or in their play area.

3. Consistent Consequences: Implement consistent consequences for breaking the rules. Make sure the consequences are immediate, short, and directly related to the behavior. For example, if your child hits, they may need to take a break from playtime for a few minutes.

4. Calm and Firm: Respond to aggressive behavior calmly and firmly. Avoid yelling or physical punishment. Instead, calmly explain the rule and the consequence. For example, “We use gentle hands. You need to take a break because you hit.”

Reflection:

• Review the effectiveness of the rules and consequences.

• Reflect on how your child responds to clear boundaries and consistent enforcement.

Week 8: Problem-Solving and Maintenance

Consolidating gains and developing long-term problem-solving skills.

• Continue to reinforce positive behaviors and emotional regulation.

• Develop problem-solving skills for ongoing behavior management.

Activities:

1. Review and Reinforce: Review the rules and positive behaviors with your child. Continue to use praise and rewards to reinforce good behavior. Maintain the sticker chart or token economy as needed.

2. Family Meetings: Hold family meetings to discuss any ongoing issues or conflicts. For older chidren, you might encourage your child to share their feelings and participate in finding solutions. Use these meetings to reinforce problem-solving steps and cooperation.

3. Problem-Solving Practice: Continue to practice problem-solving skills in everyday situations that they might find frustrating. Use real-life scenarios to guide your child through identifying problems, thinking of solutions, choosing a solution, and trying it out.

4. Reflect on Progress: Reflect on the progress made over the past eight weeks. Celebrate the positive changes and identify any areas that still need improvement. Adjust the plan as needed to address ongoing challenges.

Reflection:

• Evaluate the overall effectiveness of the 8-week plan.

• Note any remaining challenges and develop strategies to address them.

Managing toddler aggression requires patience, consistency, and a structured approach. We hope the above give some clarity and direction. However, one thing that’s for sure is that each child is unique, and it’s important to be flexible and adapt the strategies to meet their specific needs. If you would like more support, then I would be pleased to help. Click here to book an initial consultation.