Traditional Parenting Approaches vs. Lower Demand Parenting Approaches: What Works Best for Whom?

Parenting advice can feel like navigating a maze, especially when it comes to finding an approach that fits your family’s unique needs. Approaches have evolved significantly over the years, reflecting diverse philosophies, cultural shifts, and an increasing understanding of children's emotional and psychological needs.

Among the most widely discussed methods are traditional, structured behavioural approaches, such as Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) and Incredible Years, and more emerging, low-demand parenting approaches (for example, that discussed in the book “When the naughty step makes things worse”, which I reviewed here). Both have distinct philosophies, strategies, and outcomes for children and parents, particularly in the early years. But how do you choose which is best?

This blog explores the key differences between the traditional and lower-demand approaches. We'll also look at how these methods align with different family needs, highlighting the importance of context in determining "what works best for whom."

Behavioural Approaches

Behavioural approaches tend to be structured, evidence-based programs designed to support parents in managing challenging behaviours. These approaches typically rest on principles from behavioural psychology, focusing on positive reinforcement, consistency, and clear expectations.

Strengths of Behavioural Approaches

Evidence-Based: Behavioural approaches are often backed by decades of research, particularly in reducing challenging behaviours like aggression, non-compliance, and tantrums. Numerous studies show their effectiveness in improving child behaviour, parent-child relationships, and even reducing parental stress.

Clear Structure: For parents seeking concrete strategies and clear guidelines, these programs offer step-by-step instructions. They often involve role-playing, homework, and active skills-building, making it easier for parents to implement changes consistently.

Can Works Well for Certain Families: Families dealing with more overt behavioural issues, such as defiance or aggression, often find these approaches useful because they offer strategies to reduce these behaviours whilst generally maintaining warmth and responsiveness. Children who respond well to predictable routines and rules may thrive with these approaches.

Potential Limitations

Less Emphasis on Emotional Needs: While effective at changing behaviour, these programs may focus less on the underlying emotional causes of that behaviour. For some children, especially those who are neurodivergent or dealing with trauma, behaviour management alone may not address the root of their challenges. For me, this is a huge ethical consideration. It is really important to me that the interventions I am using are supporting families to address their needs, rather than concealing behaviours, since the the longer-term consequences of the latter can cause greater problems down the line.

Can Feel Prescriptive: Some parents may feel these approaches are rigid or overly focused on compliance. They may worry that focusing on discipline and consequences could risk overshadowing a more emotionally attuned connection with their child.

Lower-Demand Approaches

Low-demand parenting is a more flexible, child-led approach that often aligns with concepts from respectful or responsive parenting, as well as neurodiversity-affirming practices. Instead of focusing on shaping behaviour through reinforcement or consequences, low-demand parenting emphasises reducing pressure on both the child and the parent. The goal is to create an environment where children feel emotionally safe and understood, particularly when they struggle to meet behavioural expectations.

1. Emotional Connection First: Low-demand parenting prioritizes emotional connection and validation over compliance. It encourages parents to view challenging behaviours as a form of communication, often a sign that the child is struggling emotionally, physically, or developmentally.

2. Reducing External Pressures: Rather than focusing on achieving compliance or changing behaviour, low-demand parenting advocates reducing the number of demands placed on the child, particularly if they are neurodivergent, highly sensitive, or struggling with anxiety or trauma. The idea is to lower the expectations to meet the child where they are developmentally and emotionally, creating space for growth in a more accepting environment.

Strengths of Low-Demand Approaches

1. Child-Led: For children who struggle with sensory issues, trauma, or emotional dysregulation, low-demand approaches can be highly beneficial. These children often experience traditional discipline approaches as overwhelming, so a low-demand approach creates a sense of safety and trust.

2. Focus on Mental Health: Low-demand parenting emphasizes co-regulation, helping children navigate their emotions by modeling calm, supportive behaviour. This can be especially helpful for children who may not respond well to strict discipline and need a more nurturing environment to manage stress and overwhelm.

3. Promotes Self-Advocacy: By reducing the pressure on children to meet certain behavioural expectations, these approaches can foster a sense of self-advocacy. Children learn to identify and communicate their needs, rather than feeling forced into behaviours that may not be aligned with their emotional state or abilities.

Potential Limitations

1. Lack of Structure: Some parents find low-demand parenting challenging because it lacks the structure and step-by-step guidance that more behavioural approaches offer. Parents may feel uncertain about how to handle situations where their child’s behaviour is disruptive or harmful, especially without clear guidelines for managing it.

2. Social Pressures: Parents who adopt a low-demand approach may fear judgment from others, particularly if their child’s behaviour diverges from what is socially expected (e.g., in public settings, family gatherings, or schools). Traditional parenting practices often emphasise obedience and conformity, and deviation from these norms may attract criticism, leading to self-doubt for parents.

What Works Best for Whom?

The question of which parenting approach "works best" is nuanced. The answer often depends on the individual child’s temperament, developmental stage, and any underlying conditions such as neurodivergence or trauma.

• For families seeking structure: Behavioural approaches like Triple P or Incredible Years might be the best fit. These are particularly useful for families dealing with defiance, aggression, or other disruptive behaviours, and for parents who thrive on clear guidelines and measurable progress.

• For families with neurodivergent children or those struggling with emotional dysregulation: Low-demand approaches may offer a more supportive and emotionally attuned environment. Children who are easily overwhelmed by demands, or who need help co-regulating their emotions, may benefit from a less structured approach that allows them space to grow at their own pace.

• For families seeking a balance: Some families may find that blending both approaches works best. For instance, using the emotional attunement of low-demand parenting while incorporating the consistency of behavioural strategies can provide a balanced approach that caters to both the emotional and behavioural needs of the child.

Ultimately, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Parenting is as much about understanding your child’s needs as it is about finding strategies that align with your values and capacity. It’s okay to adjust your approach over time, blending elements from various philosophies to suit your family’s evolving needs. Try to be kind on yourself as you navigate these sometimes choppy waters. If you are struggling and would like some help to find an approach that fits for you, please do reach out.