What is the Circle of Security Approach to Parenting
The Circle of Security: A Visual Map of Caregiver-Child Attachment. https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/
We all want to raise confident, happy, and secure children. But knowing exactly how to do that can feel a reach at times. One of the approaches I often draw on when working with families is the Circle of Security. I find it a great model for distilling some of the more complex research on attachment theory into something that feels quite clear and tangible. I hope this blog serves as a helpful introduction.
What is Circle of Security Parenting?
Developed out of attachment theory, it’s a way of helping parents and caregivers to best understand their child’s needs and how to respond to them. It focuses on helping parents and caregivers to “see” what their child needs at different moments by tuning into their behaviour.
The Circle of Security can be imagined as just that—a circle (check out the map above for reference)…
Secure Base
At the top of the circle, you, as the parent or caregiver, are the child’s "secure base"; they feel secure enough to go off and explore, play, and learn. They know they can count on you to support their independence.
Safe Haven
At the bottom of the circle, you are their "safe haven"; that you are available when they need to come back to you for comfort, reassurance, or help when they feel upset or unsure.
What to look out for?
When working with little ones, I am often watching their behaviours for cues as to whether they are seeking attachment (moving towards their parent or caregiver - i.e. seeking a safe haven) or exploration (moving away from them - i.e. seeking a secure base). Sometimes, my work simply involves helping a parent of caregiver to tune into these signals and respond in kind.
In theory it sounds simple. In practice, it takes a lot of energy and attention to attend to a child’s cues. Stressors leave us feeling burned out and distracted, and sometimes our own histories can make it tricky for us to respond as we’d like (we might be triggered when our children come towards us or move away from us in certain ways, for example - For more on this, check out the my blog on Parenting Triggers).
We can’t possibly be attuned all the time. However, even brief ‘tuning in’ exercises can be quite transformative at times.
Practicing "Watch Me Play"
“Watch Me Play” is a simple child-led play technique, where you allow your child to take the lead in their play, while you observe and follow their cues. It’s a suitable for babies of a few weeks right through to children age 5 and beyond. It can be simple and transformative in equal measure.
Here’s how to practice it:
1. Preparing: Find a time where you can give your baby or child your undivided attention. Ideally, around 20 minutes each day, though 10 or even 5 minutes every few days can still be valuable. Find a quiet space, with some age-appropriate toys. Try to put distractions like phones and TV aside.
2. Let Them Lead: Sit on the floor with your child and watch as your they choose what to do. It could be playing with blocks, drawing, or pretending with toys. Here’s the key: Try not to join in unless they invite you to. If they do invite you in, try to resist the urge to direct them or bring your own ideas. Instead, follow their lead.
With a toddler, this might be sharing in conversation and playing with a toy they hand to you. With a baby, it’s about noticing and following subtle cues, such as gaze. They may invite you in by looking at you, and signal a need for space by looking away.
3. Be Engaged: Show your child that you’re interested. Respond to their eye contact and/or smiles. You might like to comment on what they’re doing “you found the toy car”, or how they might be feeling “you seem to be enjoying this” or “you’re looking tired”.
4. Keep Track: Notice any changes in your child’s behaviour over time, and keep track of anything you learn about what seems to help or hinder the flow of the activity. Some parents like to keep a diary. Further information on “Watch me Play” and a diary template can be found here.
Tips for applying the Circle of Security day-to-day
Notice the cues: Are they acting out because they’re frustrated or because they need reassurance? Sometimes what looks like “bad behaviour” is a sign they need your help.
Support Exploration: Encourage your child to explore and try new things. Stay close enough to help if they need you, but give them space to figure things out on their own.
Understand the “Return to the Base”: Sometimes, your child may suddenly want you to hold them or be close, even if they were playing happily a minute ago. This is them coming back to their secure base (you!) because they’re feeling unsure or tired.
Circle of Security Parenting isn’t about being a perfect parent—it’s about learning to recognise and respond to your child’s needs, and offering them the security they need to explore and grow. Remember, you’re their safe place, whether they’re off exploring or coming back for a cuddle.
I hope the above has been a helpful introduction. Sometimes, children’s cues can be easier to read and respond to than other times. If you’d like some additional support please do feel free to reach out for an initial consultation. I’ll be wishing you well!
